


Livewire

by raindropyj



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, M/M, Suicide Notes, idk what else maybe ill edit later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-14 15:44:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10539534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raindropyj/pseuds/raindropyj
Summary: Youngjae is afraid of people, actually he's afraid of losing people. After he lost his best friend to suicide back in his hometown, he makes sure not to get close to anyone in college. Or, that was the plan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ur girl is back with some more shitty 2jae enjoy

In all honesty, Youngjae had absolutely no plans of getting close to anyone during his years in university - he wouldn’t have minded if he was alone for the next few years as he studied his life away, seeking for a degree in psychology. 

Not like he was very interested in the field – he had heard that it paid a decent amount of money, so that meant his parents were supposed to be happy, and he had a decent bargain too, a possibility to minor in music. There was something magical about the way notes escaped the piano every time he brushed his fingers against the white keys, something that he hadn’t done in so long even though it was something that calmed down the storms in his head. He hoped being back at the piano's keys would make his heart wake up from the slump he had fallen into and maybe he would feel less alone than he really was.

That being said, he felt like he didn’t really need a roommate, he didn’t need or _ want _ to at a table full of people in the crowded cafeteria of his university; and most importantly, he didn’t really need best friends, or friends in general – these days, loneliness was the best friend he could ever imagine.

He was always good at working alone, a little too much of a perfectionist, always feeling stronger when a project was left completely to him, with no one hindering him from getting to the level he wanted to be at. Or the opposite, letting him hibernate in the same place – if Youngjae had his way, he wouldn’t even be at school right now; he would rather still be in the process of mourning his teenage self, the one that used to be so bright, the one that had officially traded his warmth for a forecast of rain for the beginning and the remaining years of his adulthood.

Youngjae couldn’t lie though, he was grateful for an opportunity to get out of his hometown for once, desperately in need for a change of surroundings for the sake of his sanity. He had left Mokpo right after the graduation to stay with his brother in Seoul for a while, but now here he was, standing in front of his new dorm room in a university, at the heart of the capital. 

The air here wasn’t as pure as in his hometown, no salty breezes or fishy smells, but Youngjae still took a deep breath of the polluted air, taking it into his lungs like a cure he was waiting for before opening the door, keys heavy in his hands.

He knew he had a roommate, apparently he was a year above him and the rooming situation got messed up a bit because of that, but Youngjae couldn’t care less as long as the guy was considerate of his privacy and quietness. Which was, funnily enough, exactly what he got. 

Park Jinyoung was a handsome sophomore, that type of person who had the face of an idol or an actor, but the mind of someone with a profession that involved a lot of knowledge. Youngjae walked in to see him lounging on his twin mattress with a soft blanket on his lap and a book in his hands, obviously too absorbed in the novel he was reading to notice Youngjae’s presence even though he was dragging two suitcases and a backpack along.

Instead of trying to get the attention of his roommate, the Youngjae went out into the hallway to get the rest of his things before someone else in the building decided that his stuff should be theirs to take, neatly placing all the stuff on his bed. It took almost a half an hour for Jinyoung to notice him, placing a piece of paper between the pages of his book and sparing a glance at his phone, only to see Youngjae on the floor, taking out clothes from his suitcase and putting them on his bed which was already covered in a red and black duvet and a couple of pillows. 

“Oh… When did you get here?” Jinyoung’s voice was soft and masculine, the kind of voice that could easily lull you into a deep sleep – that was Youngjae’s first impression of it anyway. The other had a kind smile placed on his lips and Youngjae thought that it wouldn’t be so bad rooming with him, he didn’t seem like he would pry or talk too much. _ Perfect _ . “I’m Park Jinyoung.”

“Choi Youngjae.” Their hands met in a sturdy handshake, all the strength coming from Jinyoung’s side since Youngjae was too tired to try any harder to leave a good impression.

Surprisingly enough (or irritatingly, Youngjae felt like he couldn’t really tell the difference), after all his clothes were tightly bunched together in the tiny dresser that the school provided them, mostly dark clothing contrasting with Jinyoung’s neutral toned belongings, his roommate decided that it was a perfect time to give him a tour around the campus. 

It really wasn’t, but Youngjae didn’t have it in himself to oppose, allowing his roommate to drag him wherever he wanted. 

“You’re a freshman, right? Since I’ve been here for a year already, I know where all the classrooms are and the best places to get coffee.” 

Honestly, Youngjae was tired. He didn’t want to walk or carry a conversation, not with the early March afternoon chill prickling against the back of his neck and where a bunch of other students were also traveling around to get a head start to not look like fools on their first day of class. The only thing that got him off the bed was Jinyoung’s hand pulling him up and the thought of decent coffee which something he hadn’t had in days and he was craving something cold and bitter. 

So he let out a smile, albeit a forced one, feeling his lips curl up in a way he became unfamiliar with over the last couple of months of living in a big city, letting Jinyoung drag him out of the room while looking like a mess, still in sweatpants and a hoodie from the trip he took here from his brother’s place. 

 

He met Jaebum the day before classes started.

Turns out Jinyoung and Im Jaebum went to the same high school and were best friends since childhood. Youngjae could tell they were close, they talked easily and comfortably between themselves like they had spent everyday together since they were kids and he guessed that they kind of had. 

Jaebum was the exact opposite of Jinyoung in terms of looks, he had a more rugged and sharp appearance, slanted cat eyes, pitch black hair and several piercings adorning his ears. Youngjae took him as a sort of punk, a rebel. It was obvious that the color black took the bigger part of the man’s wardrobe and it did accent him nicely, but his presence in their dorm room got tiring after about an hour. 

It’s not that the guy himself was annoying, personality-wise he was very much like Jinyoung, but the two of them  _ together _ was a whole other situation. Their voices would grow louder if they disagreed on something, mostly trivial things like what they should eat or how Jinyoung should pick up his pajamas from the floor. But it was mostly Youngjae’s brain, registering them both as threats to the promise he made to himself.

_ Do not make friends, ever. _

All in all, the three of them being stuck in one room, Youngjae as sort of an outcast to their childhood friendship club made him extremely uncomfortable in the sense that he wanted to ignore how much he longed for that feeling of someone talking to him so casually. He missed the comforting presence of having someone he cared about, someone who cared for him. 

However, as empty as he felt these days, he was determined to keep that promise he gave to himself and Youngjae decided that pouring everything he had into his studies would be the best way to achieve that. 

That was harder than he thought though. Turned out that Jaebum was trying to get into a similar career field as him, taking most of the same classes, and usually sat a row or two in front of him so the back of his head was always in Youngjae’s peripheral view. He would sometimes be greeted by him at the beginning of class and then smile in his direction as he headed out, the long hours in the classroom finally over.

The duo were in one of Youngjae’s classes, a class based on children's psychological makeup. Apparently, his roommate wanted to be a teacher, so he thought the class would help him understand his future students more, at least that’s what Youngjae gathered from the conversation Jaebum and Jinyoung were having one day as the two of them looked over their schedules together. On the first day, they all ended up being partners to study together for the next month and come up with an in depth project on how a child's brain was different than that of an adult. 

And as they all sat in the library with large textbooks, all Youngjae could do was to wish he was a kid again, the prime age of maybe seven years old and no worries of his future job and psychology assignments that made him want to sleep for two weeks without end. Back then, there was never homework on the first day, not even the first week; they did all their math and English assignments in class and if he ever needed, he could always ask his parents for help, their adult writing clashing with scribbly penmanship of his own answers on large print worksheets.

One of Youngjae’s biggest pet peeves were people not working in group projects, someone or all of them bound to goof off and make him do all the work, however, this time it was nothing like that at all. He thanked god that his partners were diligent workers, maybe it was because he was in university now and people usually tended to take things more seriously there, or maybe it was because both Jaebum and Jinyoung were a year or so older than him, already having experience in these kind of assignments. 

Being the new student in the group made things a little harder on him. Youngjae tried to keep up with the research even when the other two obviously knew better what they were doing, but he was always left confused and staring at his book with a crease in his forehead and a furrowed brow. He wasn’t supposed to be the hindrance of the group, yet here he was being one. 

Anxiety started bubbling up in Youngjae’s throat, threatening to choke him in the middle of the library but he willed it down, scribbling nonsense on a piece of scrap paper to calm himself down. He didn’t notice his table partners quit talking to look at him with concerned expressions, just continued to write his name across an entire sheet of printer paper until the was no space for anything else. 

“Youngjae.”

His head popped up as he dropped the pen in his hand ready to pretend like he was listening, even though he had no idea what was happening for the past five minutes or so, however, he wasn’t expecting to see two pairs of eyes to be looking at him so worriedly. It made him uncomfortable, but not because he was caught spacing out; rather he was taken aback by the way both of the guys seemed to be genuinely concerned, not annoyed by his slacking off at all. 

“Yeah?”

“Is everything okay?” Jaebum asked, eyes soft and gentle, something that almost seemed out of place on a guy like him, a leather jacket hanging on the back of his chair and sleeves rolled up on his black t-shirt, showing off soft muscled arms. 

“Yeah, of course. I’m just a bit tired I guess.” Youngjae answered, trying so hard to make it look normal with nerves flickering all over in his body, telling him he needed air.

“Do you want to take a break?” The other asked again, Jinyoung by his friend’s side seeming to agree with the offer.

He nodded. “I’m just going to get some air. I’ll be back.” Youngjae stood from the table, taking nothing with him but his wallet, so he would  _ have _ to come back to the table again even if he wanted to run away for the rest of the work period. 

After he stepped outside of the building, he inhaled a mouthful of stuffy air, the cold rain making it hard to get a relieving and fresh breath inside of his lungs. The moisture felt like it was weighing him down, as if he was sinking down into the concrete below his feet which seemed like trying to swallow him whole like quicksand.

Why did it hurt? Why was he filled up with so much anxiety and pain that it hurt to let air into his body, breathing it felt like flames settling down in his throat and his chest, igniting something he didn’t want to see?

Youngjae stepped out from under the overhang of the building, clean shoes in muddy grass and face tilted up toward the light sprinkle of rain, feeling the wetness on his cheeks take him away from the heaviness from his body, drop by drop.

The door behind him opened and closed quietly, he heard slow footsteps approaching him. He hoped it was some random student too busy looking at their phone to notice where they were walking but he knew that wasn’t the case when the vague shadow on the ground indicated they stopped a few steps away from where Youngjae was.

He turned to see Jaebum with his leather jacket on, hands in his jean pockets and hair becoming wet with droplets of rain. 

“Get out of the rain.” It was kind of an automatic response, he didn’t intend to say anything, but for some reason it just slipped out.

Jaebum only laughed. “Shouldn’t I be telling that to you?”

Deciding to try and feign friendliness so the situation was less awkward, Youngjae felt his face fall into a small, insincere smile and shrugged. “I like the rain.”

The situation was almost too much for him, but he didn’t move, watching Jaebum walk to stand next to him, facing the sky like he himself had moments before. It was a steady shower, drops upon drops falling into his hair making his fringe hang wetly across his forehead. Jaebum’s cheeks and slim nose had water rolling on them, sliding down his neck and getting the collar of his black t-shirt wet, and Youngjae was pretty sure he didn’t look as good as Jaebum did standing there in the rain. 

The other opened his eyes. “It is pretty, feels refreshing. Though, I think, I prefer snow more.”

A phone went off in the midst of the sound of water falling on cement, Jaebum backed into the shelter of the overhang and took his phone out of his pocket, checking his texts.

“Jinyoung.” He told him, facing Youngjae again. “He wants to know where we are so we can continue working. How do you feel?” Concerned eyes bore into his own and he felt off kilter but answered anyway.

“Peachy.” Youngjae lied, following his project partner back into the building and shaking out his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not the best at angst so here is the start of this shitty fic that I had stuck in my head for a little while. I already finished it so expect updates every week! As always, thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoy it. :')


	2. Chapter 2

When Jinyoung and Jaebum eventually asked him to hang out and get some cheap street food for dinner together, Youngjae realized he needed to back off, telling himself he couldn’t accept friendly gestures and invites for food like they were all best friends. He left that for Jinyoung and Jaebum alone, wanting to focus on himself, on school. If anyone was a mind reader, they would say he was being selfish, he probably was, he knew he was, but he stayed away as a defense mechanism, something to keep him sheltered and safe from whatever curveball life could throw.

The envelope under his pillow weighed heavy on his heart, flashbacks of his last two years of high school haunting him like a horror movie. The way he was acting, his anxiety and the pit of darkness that lingered inside him was all because of what was inside that tiny wrinkled piece of paper. 

He stared at it so much, fingering the corners until they were flimsy and gray, thinned down from so much wear and tear. No one knew what it was, or that he even had it and sometimes, when Jinyoung was sound asleep on the other side of the room at night, when Youngjae himself was in between falling asleep and still being conscious of his surroundings, he’d catch himself on his stomach with his hand under the pillow, fingers twiddling and smoothing over the edges again and again.

He was lying on his back, feet hanging off the sides, swinging them lightly and holding the letter above his head, examining it for what seemed like the thousandth time as if waiting for it to vanish or morph into something else. It was stupid, he thought, how his life could be so tied up because of an envelope. 

But it was, and he wanted to rip it up, set it on fire, to do anything so this feeling wouldn’t be pressed so deep in his bones like he was suffering from some disease and not nervous anxiety that was all his own fault. Instead, he tossed it on the floor and listened as the piece of paper fluttered to the ground as if it was another piece of scrapped homework. 

But the guilt was unbearably cold, like shards of ice streaming through his veins and cutting him from the inside. Icicles grew in his stomach and it gave him goosebumps and made him nauseous, tears welled up like puddles in his eyes, making his sight blurry and Youngjae was concentrating too hard on how not to cry that he didn’t hear the door of the dorm open with it’s signature creak. Jaebum picked up the tossed paper and examined it, Youngjae’s name written in messy Korean on the front. 

“Drop something?” 

Youngjae jumped up, sitting haphazardly on the bed with wet and wide eyes. He looked at the letter in Jaebum’s hands and ripped it from the other’s grip, looking it over to see if it was still unopened. Once it was confirmed that the letter was unharmed he sighed and tucked it back under his pillow, wiping his cheeks off in plain sight. He was too past the point of caring whether or not Jaebum saw him crying.

“Don’t touch it, it’s private.” Youngjae said, voice sounding twenty years past his age. He wanted to be angry at Jaebum for touching it, for even looking at it, for coming into his dorm without warning and just waltzing in like it was his own place. But honestly, he should have seen it coming, knowing that the door was unlocked and that Jaebum probably came looking for Jinyoung. 

He had no idea what the other was thinking right now, he could feel the sharp stare on him, eyes trying to bore inside of him like Jaebum was trying to figure him out.

Jaebum stared at him in confusion, and then his eyes flickered in the direction of his pillow. “What is it?”

“I said it’s private!” Youngjae snapped, he was getting irritated now and it showed in his voice, as if a circuit sparkled and went haywire inside him and he was pretty sure that if Jaebum didn’t leave the room within the next sixty seconds, he would go himself. 

Jaebum’s eyes went wide for the slightest second at the tone of his voice, only long enough for Youngjae to see and think that it was illusion, a trick of his mind. “I’m sorry.”

“Please go.” Youngjae found himself saying, hands tucked in his hoodie pocket and eyes downcast. If he felt bad before, then he was feeling like complete shit now.

Jaebum just nodded and took one last look at him, looking confused and dejected. He left with a soft ‘click’ of the door and leaving silence to linger in the air.

Once he was alone, Youngjae sighed and lay on his bed again waiting for the sweet release of death to wash over him. To his disappointment, it never did. 

 

Over the next week, Youngjae decided to avoid Jaebum altogether, and it was obvious that he was. He couldn’t do much about Jinyoung since they were roommates, but if Jaebum ever came over to the dorm, Youngjae took that as a cue to leave and let the best friends be alone. He didn’t want to feel stuffy with Jaebum’s gaze and curiosity toward him and his little secret.

He did his parts of the project during the evenings tucked away in a dark corner of the library where other students started to pull all-nighters for assignments they hadn’t touched until the day before. Youngjae had actually fallen asleep at one of the tables one night, waking up to find his phone on silent and fifteen calls from Jinyoung. Not only that, but Jaebum was sitting across from him with a book in his hand.

A groan escaped him and he tucked his head back into the fold of his arms, trying to make his table partner to disappear. 

“I called Jinyoung to tell him you were here.” 

Realizing that Jaebum wasn’t going to just poof into thin air, Youngjae pulled himself upright and started closing his books and putting away his project materials into his backpack. The older male was looking at him over his book, Youngjae noted that this was the most casual he had seen Jaebum, a large black hoodie and earrings taken out of their place on his ears with fluffy hair splayed across his forehead. It was almost cute.

“He was worried, you know. He tries to give you space but you should at least call him if you’re not in the dorm for the night.” Jaebum said then, folding a dog ear in the corner page of his novel. 

“I can take care of myself.” Youngjae grumbled back, drowsiness abundant in his voice and a painful crick in his neck from sleeping awkwardly at the table. 

“Yeah, you probably can. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least have the common courtesy to try and not worry the people around you.” There was a fire flickering dimly in Jaebum’s eyes and Youngjae watched for a moment as his silence made it grow, making the man before him more irritated by the minute.

“Why are you even here?” Youngjae asked, the tiredness he had felt melting away as Jaebum tested his patience. 

Jaebum sighed, running his hands through his hair, making it a mess with strands sticking up in every direction, looking stressed. “Because I was worried too. Jinyoung called me at one in the morning when you hadn’t come back yet, worried that something happened to you and I ran around campus for two hours to find you since you don’t like to answer your phone.”

Youngjae was stunned - he’d never thought that either of the two would be worried to the extent that they would search for him in the middle of the night. He felt warmth settle in his chest, one that was comfortable but the feeling was still foreign, he hadn’t felt it in so long that it was starting to make him nervous. 

He looked at Jaebum’s worried eyes and realized that these are the type of people he always wanted so badly to be in his life, the kind that would drop everything at a moment’s notice if something seemed wrong or worrisome, people who cared. Jaebum’s gaze on him was a comforting campfire in the cool of night that made Youngjae want to sit near and soak it all in, but fire was also dangerous so he kept his distance, not risking it to get burnt.

Closing his eyes, Youngjae stood up and put his backpack on his shoulder, pushing any feelings of affection away until his chest felt cool again. “I’m sorry.” He said, turning on his heel and heading toward the library door without looking behind him. It took him a moment to realize that he meant the apology, he was sorry for making Jinyoung worry, sorry for making Jaebum look for him through the night, sorry that he was failing with his part of the project and sorry for being a poor excuse of a human being. 

A hand closed in on his elbow and he swung around to face Jaebum who looked straight at him with a confused expression, worry still prominent in the depths of his sharp eyes and it made Youngjae curious and angry. 

“Why?” He asked Jaebum, “Why do you still talk to me when I leave the moment you enter a room, when I barely can hold full conversations with my roommate and am failing with group cooperation on this project. I’ve given you nothing.”

Jaebum let his hand go and looked at the floor for a moment before facing Youngjae with a small smile. “Because you intrigue me, but you also confuse me. I want to figure you out.”

“There’s nothing to figure out.”

 

“Do you just sleep heavily or was your phone on silent?!” Jinyoung asked him as soon as he was in the doorway of the dorm, voice high with disbelief. Youngjae checked his phone and showed it to Jinyoung. 

His roommate sighed. “At least put it on vibrate. Also, if you plan on spending in your night in the library, a warning would be nice.”

Youngjae rubbed his neck, feeling awkward with the conversation now. “I just kind of fell asleep, I didn’t mean to.”

Jinyoung loosened up with the information that it was an accident and gave him a subtle warm smile, the expression reaching his eyes making wrinkles appear near the sides. “Just try not to worry me, okay? Be careful too. I’m sure you want to use the shower though, so the bathroom is all yours.”

And then Youngjae was left alone in his dorm, again.

Before heading to the bathroom Youngjae walked toward his bed and took the envelope from under his pillow, putting it in the small front pocket of his backpack, so it was always with him and he didn’t have to worry. Then, he headed to the shower to scrub away the uncomfortable muscle strain the library chair seemed to have given him.

The shower was a perfect time to think, he didn’t want his mind to wander though - it was just excess time to do nothing but rub away the dirt on his skin and ponder the morning events in his head, so he sang to prevent his mind from roaming into dark places. Singing was a favorite pastime of his, something to numb his thoughts and put all feelings into a song and none in his heart; something to keep him distracted, and he loved it. That’s why he was a music minor, he thought taking classes in school would keep him from going crazy and keep him level headed. 

Except that it wasn’t. 

During the middle of the song, either shampoo was stinging his eyes or he was crying, the warm water spraying down on him wasn’t helping with figuring it out but he didn’t want to know. The song was one he hadn’t sang in months, one that was especially close to his heart, one that his best friend in high school used to make him sing whenever he was feeling down. 

One that was played automatically in his mind whenever he was reminded that his best friend was dead. 

Youngjae tried to take deep and steady breaths, bracing himself against the side of the shower to try and get air in his lungs as he started to panic, the hot damp air not making it any easier. Now he knew he was crying, the sting in his chest and the warm wetness on his cheeks as he was now kneeling on the floor of the shower making it obvious to him. 

It was his first panic attack while at college, he thought he was doing rather well up until now, being away from home and the traces his best friend had left throughout his room, his house, his town. But in that moment Youngjae realized he was starting to break down as time went by. Ever since his roommate came along with Jaebum and started to try and get to know him better with warm smiles and kind hearts he felt his walls start to break ever so slight, one by one. But he just had to keep building them higher the moment they walked away. 

By the time he could breathe again the water turned chilly and his body had started to go numb, beginning with his limbs. Goosebumps took a permanent place on his skin until he found the strength to get up and dry off. 

 

Youngjae hid himself in the choir room every chance he could get after that panic attack. He went when all classes for the day were over and no one was there to disturb him as he sat at the piano sulking at the keys he hasn’t touched in so long.

It was a distraction, a time consuming activity he decided to pick up again so he didn’t have to sit at his dorm whenever classes got out and he didn’t have to mingle with people. He pressed one of the pearly white keys and heard the note ring out in the acoustics of the room before the rest of his fingers found their place on the piano and started playing on their own, natural and like he had never stopped at all.

The melody soaked into his bones and calmed him down immediately, he found a sense of peace in the dimly lit music room as each key press turned into music just as if it was a type of therapy. Being a psychology student, he almost found it fascinating the effects that music had on people - it could make you feel so many different emotions depending on the genre of the song and its contents. His personal favorites were ballads, those with a beautiful melody and raw voices, songs that made people’s hearts ache. The exact opposite of what he needed. 

Youngjae felt an itch go up his spine as soon as he noticed he wasn’t alone in the room anymore and immediately stopped playing. By the entrance of the room sat Jaebum in a chair with his legs crossed out in front of him and a smile playing on his lips. He swung his legs around on the piano bench and looked at Jaebum blankly before speaking. “What are you smiling at?” 

“You, obviously.” The short and sweet answer slipping through Jaebum’s mouth with no hesitation made Youngjae blush, not expecting the reply to be something quite like that. He thanked himself for turning the lights down when he entered since it now saved him from extreme embarrassment. 

“I’m sure you’ve heard someone play the piano before.” 

“Not that beautifully though.” Jaebum commented back, his smile settling into something more casual but not unpleasant. Youngjae knew that he was still there to annoy him. “You put something extra into it, like a little piece of your soul. I could never play like that.”

He swallowed, feeling a heat come over him as Jaebum complimented him, he should have left the room as soon as he noticed the other there but he became curious. Im Jaebum made him question so many things. 

“I’m pretty rusty so it couldn’t have been that good.” He found himself saying and Jaebum chuckled. “Do you play piano too?”

Jaebum shrugged. “I used to play when I was in middle school but I’m sure I’ve forgotten everything by now.”

Even though everything in Youngjae’s body told him not to, he scooted over on his bench and patted the empty side, beckoning for Jaebum to come over. He knew he was going to do nothing but regret today’s interaction with Jaebum, but for some reason he couldn’t help himself, inquisitive actions taking over. 

Jaebum sat by his side and looked at the keys like they were an old friend, his fingers brushing over them lightly but not hard enough to make any sound. He looked at Youngjae with a nervous smile and it was a look that made him grasp onto the fact that this was another thing that he realized he was learning about Jaebum. One thing too many. 

“Think of it like driving, once you’re behind the wheel it all comes naturally to you again.” The words seemed to give Jaebum more confidence and Youngjae watched as the tension left his shoulders, a moment later there was music in the room again.

It was clumsy, a little too fast at some parts and a little too slow at others. Youngjae could tell that he hadn’t played in a long while but that Jaebum still knew the gist of it, the notes of the song and the placement of his fingers all too familiar. There were a couple moments where Jaebum stumbled or paused on the keys too long, maybe got a note or two wrong here and there but it was still impressing Youngjae, even if he didn’t want to admit it to himself that he was slowly warming up to the man beside of him through the music he played. 

Youngjae accompanied him then, the song was a children's lullaby, one that he heard often while he was young, and though he never learned the song on the piano, he knew enough to add in additional deeper notes to match Jaebum’s playing. That’s when he caught himself staring at Jaebum out of the corner of his eye, his fingers playing blindly as he watched the other’s expression as he played like it was something he was experiencing for the first time. 

Youngjae stood up abruptly then, feeling his insides twist with anxiety and there were too many thoughts settling in his brain that he needed to get out of there, preferably far, far away from Im Jaebum who jumped in his seat and only registered what was going on by the time Youngjae was halfway to the door.

The first time his name was said, it was in a confused voice “Youngjae?” The next time it was louder, an exclamation. “Youngjae! Wait-”

“Hyung. Please.” Youngjae’s back was turned and he was twiddling his fingers on his shirt, not knowing what else to do except for run away. “Leave me alone.”

Jaebum played one of the lower notes on the piano, a sad sound in the still air of the choir room, it sounded mocking, teasing, but the tone of Jaebum’s voice was much more melancholic. “Do you dislike me that much?”

Youngjae sighed and turned around, a troubled look in his eyes, something that Jaebum didn’t miss. “I dislike myself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM ON TIME FOR ONCE!! Go easy on me! Idk how I feel about all of this and it's slightly angsty (kind of?? yeah) and it's not the easiest thing for me to write but I hope you guys still enjoy it!! <3


	3. Chapter 3

**__** __ After the night in the choir room, Jaebum seemed to make it his mission to annoy Youngjae with every chance he got like his life depended on it, he would come into his room even when Jinyoung was in class or try to eat lunch with him in the cafeteria before Youngjae decided to up and leave, eating in his room with the door locked. Turned out, Jinyoung gave Jaebum the spare key. 

“Listen.” Jaebum started one day as he let himself in,  _ again _ . “I understand if you don’t want to interact with us but we still have a project due next week.”

Youngjae was laying on his bed on his back, staring at the ceiling with music playing from his phone. “Do you even know how to knock?” He grumbled and sat up.

Jaebum let a guilty smile play on his lips before speaking seriously. “Jinyoung’s in class right now and said he’d meet up with us in the library later, do you want to help me with our project so we can get a good grade or not?”

“My psychology degree depends on it, so I guess I have no choice.” He replied back before kicking off his room slippers, slipping on his shoes and picking up his backpack, following behind Jaebum to the library.

He tried not to notice whenever stolen glances were cast his way, a little tilt of the head from Jaebum’s part and Youngjae just looking at the ground below so he wouldn’t catch the other’s eye directly.

Every look made him more and more uneasy, he didn’t know why Jaebum constantly tried to get his attention while being nice, giving cute smiles and eyeing him like he was doing now, but it unnerved him. Youngjae continued to let himself grow more curious about the man beside him, but it also made him more cautious to not get closer to him. It was hard though, so _ , so _ hard.

Jaebum seemed to have no hidden agenda as he talked to Youngjae, nothing about him proved to Youngjae that he was dangerous besides his exterior appearance of sharp leather jackets, black clothing and shining piercings on his ears. Jaebum was all bark and no bite, actually, he didn’t even bark at all. The only thing high and mighty about him was his looks, obviously more attractive than your average college student, but he smiled so brightly and had an ugly laugh that was so contagious, even Youngjae had to bite his tongue whenever he caught the other laughing with Jinyoung around.

Of course, Youngjae never made him laugh like that. Somewhere deep inside him he wished he could have that luxury, but he was just another outcast, a set aside piece of society that hated human confrontation and had bubbling anxiety that grew like a tide.

As they sat in the library and began working on their project, Youngjae could feel Jaebum’s eyes on him again, cautiously peering over his laptop with subtle glances that weren’t  _ that _ subtle in Youngjae’s opinion. He didn’t know why he was doing it or if there was something funny on his face but it made him oddly aware of himself and he fidgeted in his seat, trying to get comfortable under the strong gaze but it was nearly impossible to focus with sharp eyes poking around at him while he was underlining points in his textbook he figured would be important. Eventually he had enough.

“You know it’s obvious that you’re staring.” Youngjae commented, sliding his textbook aside to bring out his own laptop.

Jaebum chuckled. “Jinyoung always told me I was bad at this kind of stuff.”

“Well you do have a strong kind of presence.”

“Are you not going to ask me why I was staring?” Jaebum said, relaxing in his seat and staring at him more unreserved this time.

Youngjae shrugged, seemingly indifferent. “I don’t think I want to know.”

Jaebum laughed again and Youngjae checked for his laptop charger since he forgot to charge it in his room the night before, it was sitting at fifteen percent battery and he got anxious every time the number went below twenty. He found it in the front pocket, taking it out and watching as an all too familiar crumpled letter flitted to the floor rather gracelessly.

He stared at it, charger in hand and laptop dying, watching and hoping the letter would get up and walk out of his life like it was never there at all, he wished for the damned piece of paper to stop haunting him the way it did, maybe set ablaze right there in the library so he was forced to not think about it anymore, but before he could wish for any more, Jaebum interrupted his thoughts, calling his name.

“What’s wrong?” Youngjae heard him ask, he was quick with grabbing the letter and trying to hide it but it was too late, Jaebum’s eyes sought out the source of Youngjae’s more than usual odd behavior as soon as he picked the white envelope off the ground.

“Youngjae.” Jaebum said his name for the second time, making him flinch as he sat in his chair with the paper on his lap now. By the look of his expression, Jaebum was ready to pry him open until he confessed.

“Don’t.” he pleaded quietly, but the other still didn’t waver, sight strong.

Jaebum closed both their laptops, Youngjae’s was a black screen now, dying right before Jaebum spoke up again. His tone was serious and it made Youngjae want to run far, far away. Anywhere but where Jaebum was, a place he was away from questioning and alone with his self-pity.

“What is that?” The question blunt and straight to the point.

“Hyung please.” Youngjae tried to send out a message with his eyes that it’s a territory that he didn’t want to cross, but the other continued to torment him so he would spill out his secrets.

“Did someone threaten you?” Jaebum asked him, tone too serious for Youngjae to handle. “Is someone bullying you? I can-”

“Jaebum stop!” Youngjae shouted out with his eyes closed tight, the sound too loud in the quiet veil of the library. The use of his name and no formalities is what shut Jaebum up, Youngjae had never used his first name at all actually, it was a line he was always afraid to cross, one that would make him feel like he was too close with Jaebum, closer than he felt safe to be. Still, he said it in a shout, the library going silent at his voice but he didn’t care anymore.

Jaebum sighed and closed his eyes for moment.

“Please just tell me.” It was the soft stressed tone and cracking in Jaebum’s usual smooth voice that broke the string that held onto his promise to himself not to say anything about the letter. It snapped inside of him and made his stomach sick, but he thought maybe if he said it out loud, just maybe, the terrible feeling he had every time he looked at it would stop trailing after him like a ghost. “It’’s hurting you and it’s making me worried.”

Youngjae swallowed, tongue suddenly feeling fat and twice the size in his mouth, as if it knew that he was about to say something terrible, something he promised to never speak about, especially with an almost stranger that Jaebum was to him. He tried to avoid Jaebum’s stare as he tried to gather up some feigned confidence before trying to come up with something again. However, Youngjae himself didn’t realize how so he took a deep breath and the words escaped his lips. “It’s a… suicide note.”

They were in an empty part of the library, hidden by bookshelves and there was a window about five feet away from where they sat, Youngjae could hear students on the other side of the shelves discussing things quietly and it was the only grip on reality he had as Jaebum took in the information. His expression went from shock, to horror, to worry in the expanse of seconds and Youngjae didn’t know what to do, so he sat silent with his head down.

“It’s not yours, is it?” Jaebum asked, voice soft and troubled now, like he didn’t know what to think and Youngjae had to admit, he didn’t know what to think of it either. “Youngjae please, tell me it’s not yours.”

Youngjae looked into his lap where the letter sat on top of his legs and out of Jaebum’s sight. Taking a few seconds before talking. “It’s my best friend’s.” The words were quiet but he knew Jaebum heard them from the intake of breath he took, just barely reaching his own ears. Youngjae was sure he would get pity from him, awkward silences never sat well with him and he was itching to move, to leave, to cry.

“It’s unopened.” Was the first thing Jaebum said after that and Youngjae choked a laugh, nodding.

“I’m scared.” Another confession, sounding like he was on the verge of hysterics and he didn’t even know why he was telling Jaebum these things, but now words just seemed to come out of his mouth without another thought. Jaebum’s presence wasn’t a bad one, he knew that the only person he would go to, if anyone, was Jinyoung. And even though Youngjae didn’t want either of them on his ass about the letter, he still let it go.

“Of what?” Soft prodding was what Jaebum was doing, he was trying to get Youngjae to open up, and ever so slightly, he began to.

A few tears escaped his eyes, his head cast down so the droplets dripped onto the paper in his lap, watching as it soaked up the wetness and made a dark, damp spot on the wrinkled parchment. “I’m scared to find out that I was the one who killed him.”

Jaebum slowly got out of his seat and made his way over to where Youngjae was frozen and crying silently and wiping his tears with shaky hands, he kneeled and took both of Youngjae’s hands away from his face, forcing him to look down. The other wore a soft and sad expression as he crouched beside Youngjae and tears kept leaking, making him feel like a fool but he couldn’t look away. Not when Jaebum looked at him so gentle like that.

“Will you tell me about him?”

Youngjae did, he no longer cared, Jaebum finally tapped into the secret compartment of his heart and knocked the wall down. He told him about Jackson Wang and everything that made him Jackson Wang. How he was a foreign student studying in the grade above him and how they shared a class and immediately became friends.

Jackson Wang was that kind of person that got along with anyone and everyone with so little difficulty; he was loud and so curious to the point where people thought he was kind of weird, but never in a bad way. He was also the kindest person he ever met in his entire life, so open and accepting of everything that Youngjae had to say, whenever something went wrong, he knew that Jackson would open up his arms and comfort him wholeheartedly until he was calm again. He was a true spectacle of a human being, dying his hair blonde only to get in trouble with the higher ups of the high school and having Youngjae dye it black again on a stool in his kitchen with shaking hands and so much laughter, they were both crying.

He was bright, brighter than any star in the sky that shone by the ocean in Mokpo, a model student who still liked to goof off and make teachers laugh. His Korean wasn’t perfect, stumbling over pronunciations often and accidently saying swear words in class presentations with innocent eyes that never got him in trouble, only ever getting off with warnings and a Korean lesson from Youngjae himself later in the nights of his bedroom. Jackson was a comfort, someone who could make any place home. Jackson was Choi Youngjae’s first crush and his everything.

He was also incredibly soft hearted, what hurt Youngjae also hurt Jackson, if Youngjae cried, so did he. By the middle of the year, he had a permanent spot in Youngjae’s home, switching host families so that Jackson could sleep in the spare bedroom next to his own, but somehow during the night Youngjae found himself awake in the middle of the night talking quietly to his best friend who was laying on the floor in a makeshift bed, telling each other stories about their childhood and which classes they hated and secrets they would never tell anyone else.

After his year as an exchange student was up, Jackson stayed for another to help teach mandarin classes in their school, giving up a year before he started college so that he could watch Youngjae graduate and go to school side by side once again. It was a warm friendship, one without many boundaries or many secrets, one that Youngjae knew that he could go into the future and be fearless because he knew that Jackson wouldn’t leave his side.

But as the year went by and the weather turned colder near the end of December, the Jackson Wang he knew grew distant, an invisible force prying him away. His best friend didn’t talk as much, he no longer acted like a hyper puppy whenever something exciting happened and he seemed to be at a loss for words whenever Youngjae needed him.

Youngjae tried to ask him, to get whatever was bothering Jackson out in the open but it was a failure, the other constantly avoided him with, “It’s nothing.” and walking away as if Youngjae was nothing but thin air, like he was never there at all. Invisible.

So Youngjae retreated back into the person he was before Jackson came into the picture and flipped his life upside down, an unsociable and reserved eighteen year old, one who napped for fun and didn’t sing in the shower as he got ready for school. Smiles came rarely and laughter even more rare, he had always been a sort of outcast, someone who was hard to befriend and not very handsome, but it wasn’t something that really bothered him until Jackson left his side. Jackson had truly been the light to guide him through his last years of high school.

Youngjae told all of this to Jaebum, every little detail he could recall just came out like butter slipping past his lips. He had no control of himself anymore but Jaebum didn’t interrupt him nor stop his rambling. He sat on the floor beside Youngjae’s chair with his legs crossed and listened intently on what was being said to him.

The library was empty now, just the two of them and their messy table of project materials spread out across the table top. There were no hushed voices or flipping of pages in the distance, Jinyoung never showed up either, Youngjae decided it was for the best anyway since tears kept escaping and landing on his shirt as he spoke of the time he had spent with Jackson.

Youngjae finally decided to stop talking and catch his breath, his voice probably annoying from the nasal congestion he was feeling from crying. He didn’t dare look at Jaebum who probably expected him to continue, but Youngjae was  _ tired _ , he didn’t know if he had energy to say anything anymore.

“Why do you think you killed him?” Jaebum asked softly in the silence of the library.

Youngjae swallowed his sob that tried to rise up his throat and grimaced, staring down at his palms. “He was avoiding me, ignoring me like I wasn’t in his life at all. I must have done something wrong, right?”

“There’s only one way to find out.” Jaebum turned Youngjae’s chair to face him like he weighed nothing and rubbed his knee comfortingly to tell him that he was there to help.

“Open it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on time on time on time!!!!! i hope you enjoy!!! idk what to say so just..thank you for reading!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> while reading, i want you to know that im basing youngjae's school years like those in korea! or... trying to! there's probably many flaws but, sigh, oh well.

Youngjae blankly stared at the paper in his hands, Jaebum’s words going through one ear and out the other like air. He heard what the other had said, but didn’t want to acknowledge it, his fingers started playing with the edges, threatening to tear but never going far enough to rip it even though the weathered texture of the paper should have given in easily. He wasn’t trying hard enough, his will crumbled.

Jaebum moved from his place on the floor and started packing up their materials, most of the books and papers being haphazardly shoved into his backpack, laptop barely fitting and papers sticking outside of the zipper. He picked up Youngjae’s materials as well, charger and laptop being, carefully this time, packed away in his own backpack with whatever else he scattered on the library’s table during their time of failed study. Youngjae just watched, not moving, curious as to where Jaebum was going with all of this.

“Let’s go.” Jaebum held out his backpack for him to grab. “You shouldn’t open it here.”

“Wasn’t Jinyoung hyung supposed to meet us?”

“I already texted him not to come already.” Jaebum gave him a guilty smile, one that made Youngjae realize Jaebum was too good. “I figured you didn’t want him to walk in on you crying.”

It was like the calm before the storm, Youngjae felt nothing besides the spring breeze in his hair as they walked to the dorms. His heartbeat was thrumming in his chest steadily and he didn’t feel like crying, that alone was saying a lot. He had the letter tucked away in his hoodie pocket, one hand on it as if to make sure it was still there and not about to disappear into nothingness. It was the only piece of Jackson he had left and whatever was inside wasn’t going to wheel him away from his best friend.

His vision flickered between the wet cement and Jaebum’s back. Every time Jaebum glanced to check if he was still following, Youngjae would look down to his feet where worms and old gum stuck to the sidewalk like glue.

He wasn’t even sure if he had the guts to open the letter, it had haunted him for too long, Jackson’s death happening not even a year ago. It still felt fresh, too deep set in his bones and it somehow felt like he would crumble to the ground in nothing but a pile of dust if he opened it.

But maybe that was better than whatever he was doing now, living a half-assed life and barely understanding his psychology assignments even though his degree was at stake. No friends and no social activity, laziness just eating him away as he spent his evenings on youtube videos that could maybe help with those required math classes, and a cup of ramen every evening as his one balanced meal.

Was it just college or was it just him? Youngjae honestly didn’t have an answer, but it seemed Jaebum was living far better than he was, so naturally, it had to be  _ him _ .

Jinyoung was out of the room, making him question what Jaebum had said to him this time but Youngjae didn’t bring it up, accepting that the empty room may have been for the best anyway. But he didn’t know what to do, he felt like he was being watched, like a caged animal in a zoo, but instead of the hawkish eyes of kids, Jaebum’s eyes were gentle and trying not to seem so harsh every time they landed on him, as if checking to make sure he wouldn’t run away even though he wasn’t going anywhere. This was his dorm after all.

“Youngjae.” His heart rate started to pick up then, knowing he was getting closer and closer to unveiling everything even though he just wanted to tuck the paper under his pillow again. He could yell at Jaebum to get out and leave him alone, but he doubted if the other would do that now that he’s cried in front of him. Something told him that Jaebum had a hard head, being someone too stubborn for his own good, and right now, it wasn’t working in Youngjae’s favor.

“I want to hate you.” He said, looking up at Jaebum from his bed who stared at him almost in shock, but also like he was expecting something like this to happen anyway and that made Youngjae irritated. “I want to hate you for trying to get through these walls I’ve spent months putting up, but I can’t.”

Jaebum sat on the edge of Jinyoung’s bed, legs spread out and crossed at the ankles, only about four feet away from where Youngjae was sitting. “Don’t get me wrong.” He said. “I’m glad you don’t hate me, trust me. But why can’t you?”

“Because I’m lonely.” Youngjae said, the answer slipping past chapped and chewed lips was one he didn’t want to say out loud, because then he knew it would become true, something he couldn’t ignore.

He  _ was _ lonely, ever since Jackson left his life last winter, he had no one. Youngjae was too scared of his parent’s even though they were trying to be supportive, but he felt like behind the scenes, everyone in his town was talking about him like he was the murderer of that one Hong Kong kid who was always so kind, so he left to Seoul early, telling his parents not to expect him on holidays because he’d probably be busy with school work and ignored almost every call he received from his mom.

He was a bad son, he knew it all too well. Never having too many friends or outstanding grades until his last years of high school when Jackson got on his ass about studying, didn’t play in any sports or extracurricular activities. It probably didn’t help that he was gay too, but he never mentioned it out loud, not even to Jackson who he knew would have been okay with it. Youngjae was hiding from everybody including himself, but now it was even worse because his only friend was dead - that had to say something about him.

“You don’t have to be.” Jaebum’s voice was too kind and Youngjae was nothing but selfish and self-inflicting.

Youngjae was shaking his head before Jaebum could finish what he was saying. “I don’t want to cause more people pain, hyung.” He lifted the letter up as if to prove his point, to say that that he murdered Jackson but Jaebum sighed, obviously frustrated.

“Read it, Youngjae.” He said, hands in his hair and head slouched, exhausted from the topic but not about to give up. “Read it, and afterwards you can decide if you want to be my friend or not.”

Youngjae opened his mouth, about to say something to counter Jaebum, but found his mind blank of words and closed it again, swallowing air and making the tips of his ears burn, more embarrassed than he should be.

With shaking fingers, he gave in and picked up the letter that was sitting in his lap again, reading the sloppy Korean handwriting over and over again before he felt Jaebum join him on his bed. The other kept his distance, sitting at the end of the bed with one of Jinyoung’s blankets on his lap, politely watching in case he needed more persuasion or, perhaps, comfort.

Actually, Youngjae was quite glad he wasn’t alone - as much as he didn’t want to break out in an anxiety attack in front of his senior classmate, he knew he was less likely to have one if someone else was in the room, plus, as the time passed, he learned that Jaebum’s presence was one that was slightly comforting and warm.

He tore a corner, instantly regretting it because now there was no turning back and also because the ripped corner just looked messy, so he hesitantly and neatly tore it open the rest of the way. By the feel of the envelope there weren’t many pages in it, and he could tell his guess was correct when he peered inside only seeing a couple pieces of folded paper, however Youngjae couldn’t tell if that was a good or bad sign. The fact that he was reading his best friend's suicide note didn’t help much in deciding.

Looking at Jaebum, who gave a small nod to convince him to continue, he slid the papers out and with a deep breath, unfolded them with trembling hands.

The letter started simply, a greeting that consisted of 'hey' and then his name. Youngjae started to choke up at those two words, but held it back with a tilt of his head and a deep breath, then he clutched the first page so tight in his grip, new wrinkles were being added to the old from the times it was either stuck under his pillow, when his fingers would play at its corners or shoved with other school materials in his backpack.

He started to read, Jackson’s handwriting big and clumsy, taking up two pages for what seemed to be, at first, a pretty short letter. Youngjae was trying to ignore the chipper greeting but his eyes roamed over it anyway and moved on like the rest of it couldn't be more painful than those first two words. But it was.

_ Hey Youngjae! _

_ It's probably taking you a long time to read this, knowing you, it could take months. But I know you'll read it eventually. If you're reading it now, I'd like to say thank you. Not only for getting this far, but also for getting further than me in life. _

_ You're confused, aren't you? Why I was ignoring you for a while and then suddenly I was gone and you were left with this letter. It's  _ **_not_ ** _ because of you. Please know that none of this is your fault, my precious best friend. I pulled away from you because I didn't want you to see how much I was deteriorating inside and I also didn’t want whatever was going on with me to affect you, you were too precious to me that I couldn’t let that happen. _

_ I couldn't be the happy go lucky Jackson Wang you knew so well anymore, I was trapped in my own poisonous mind, and I was so lost with nowhere to go. Korea isn’t my home, we both know that, I was comfortable here though, like it could have become a major stopping point in my life. A place to return to. But after I came out to my parents over holiday break, I couldn't go back to Hong Kong anymore. _

_ My precious parents, the ones who I thought had my back with everything, told me not to come back. Do you know how much that hurts? The people who gave you life and taught you everything you know suddenly wanting nothing to do with you? You didn't know I was gay either, I never told you and I was so afraid that I'd lose you in this small seaside town full of other small minded people. I didn’t want you to abandon me like my parents did, so I abandoned you instead. _

_ Does it hurt? I’m sure it does, doesn’t it? I’m sorry, Youngjae, but the feeling of not belonging anywhere was and will always be, eating away at me. But then this thought came to me. I thought, "Hey, this could be it, I don’t have to suffer anymore." _

_ So here I am, writing this letter and putting it on your desk where you can see it. Doubting you'd read it before you leave to go off to university in Seoul like you've always dreamed. You'll be a college student, and I'm so proud. _

_ Just keep hanging on, Youngjae. Don't become like me, okay? I love you and my spirit will forever linger in this letter and at that spot on the bridge. You know the spot. _

_ I believe in you Choi Sunshine, go light up that dark world. _

_ Your best friend, _

_ wild and sexy Jackson Wang.  _

By that time, Youngjae was crying, almost silently if it wasn’t for the telltale sniffles that sounded through the quiet dorm room. His head was down, the papers in his hands were getting wet, and it took several minutes of sitting like this for Jaebum to move the letters out of the way and get tissues to take their place. Youngjae’s hands were cold and shaking, his heart felt like it wasn’t beating at all, he was numb and he didn’t know what to do or what to think. He just wanted to cry it out.

“Hyung.” He choked out, lifting his heavy head to look at Jaebum with puffy eyes and wet cheeks. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.” After that, he sagged his head and started crying harder, body shaking in sobs, but it was only for a moment until Jaebum made his way across the bed and brought him into his arms, softly petting the sobbing boy’s hair and a hand rubbing his back to soothe out the shaking cries.

“He t-told me it-” Hiccup. “That it wasn’t my f-fault.” Another hiccup and now Jaebum patting his back, with a sad, but comforting smile that Youngjae felt on his neck.

“It’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong.” That just earned him a weak punch to the chest and Youngjae pulling back to look at him with fury swimming in his eyes.

“I should have been there for him! I should have still tried to talk to him when he ignored me! Maybe he wouldn’t have died if I did  _ something _ !”

Jaebum sighed and took Youngjae’s face in his hands, too close for Youngjae’s comfort but he looked at Jaebum with brooding eyes telling him he’s not going to give into anything that he’ll say. “It’s over, Youngjae, I hate to tell you that, but he’s gone. There’s nothing you or I, or both of us, can do to get him back. Regretting is only making you steps closer to where he was and it’s worrying me. Because as afraid as you are of losing people, I’m afraid of losing you.”

Now Youngjae was in shock and watched as Jaebum’s eyes melted into a soft puddle of dark chocolate and Youngjae went limp in his arms, leaning against his sturdy chest and trying to breathe and just not  _ think _ for a moment. He just read his best friend's suicide note and now...He didn’t know.

“Tell me what to do.” He asked. “That note just made me feel more lost.”

“What do you want to do?” Jaebum asked in return, letting him go and looking at him as he slouched on a pillow, staring into space.

“I want to go home.”

There was a long silence before either of them spoke again, it was Jaebum who broke the quiet with a smile. “Well, then let’s go.”

Jaebum’s reply confused Youngjae for a moment, not registering what he was saying until moments later when his head cleared.

“Both of us?” He asked.

“You said you don’t want to be alone.”

It was true, but he was more or less talking about the present situation, not Jaebum going with him back home to Mokpo. He wasn’t really sure why he wanted to go other than because it was a place where Jackson was, and Jaebum treading in on that kind of thing didn’t sit well with him. But handling his parents alone? Jaebum could be a distraction.

“Fine.” Youngjae grumbled, thinking of how this will all go down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im on a roll!!!!! im on time again! even though its like 8pm where im at here but, it's not midnight so its okay :') thank you for reading!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On time (barely) and on Bambam's bday!!

It took two days of almost nonstop cramming for Jinyoung, Jaebum and Youngjae to finish their project on time. Honestly, it was mostly because Youngjae felt way too off course and confused about everything; but it also was because he considered himself lazy and a failure at communication. This is why he preferred to be alone, that way he wasn’t much of a burden and couldn’t dampen anyone else’s grades if he ended up ruining his own. Luckily though, they passed with flying colors, mostly due to Jinyoung’s handy research skills and undying love for reading.

After the class ended, Youngjae went back to his dorm to get a backpack for the weekend. He knew he wouldn’t be staying at his parent’s long but taking a few things with him, basic things like underwear and his favorite hoodie and also a couple of snacks for the road just felt right. 

But also, packing something that would say “I’m sorry I’m a bad son and haven’t contacted you for the first four weeks of my first semester in college” also felt right.

Jaebum met him at the entrance of the dorms the next morning with a backpack of his own over his left shoulder and a smile too bright for the dull sunrise of the day. Why Jaebum wanted to go with him in the first place was beyond anything that Youngjae could muster. Why he let him come was also a question he couldn’t answer. He probably should have taken Jinyoung instead, he was a lot less nosy and much more content with silence than Jaebum was.

He chose the window seat on the bus, wanting the scenery to occupy his mind as they traveled four hours to get to Mokpo. It wasn’t an easy ride and Jaebum fell asleep next to him within the first twenty minutes while it took Youngjae two hours of  nineties ballad songs playing on the radio and an old couple snoring behind him to finally knock out and sleep dreamlessly until their arrival.

Youngjae never told his parents he was coming home. It wasn’t intentional he just… forgot. Cramming for a project and spending the rest of his free time sleeping kind of snatched that thought right out of his mind, so when he showed up at their doorstep with Jaebum two steps behind him, their shocked expressions were pretty justifiable.

“Hi mom, hi dad.” He said, a sheepish smile on his face and dark bags under his eyes from the not long enough nap on the bus.

After the initial moment of shock, his parents smiled and let them in, not forgetting to give their oldest son kind and warm hugs. It had been so long since he felt the warmth of his mother’s embrace, he almost forgot what a healing property it was, so gentle but still firm with the love she put into it. For the first time in a long time, Youngjae smiled for real, genuine happiness filling him up once again. He didn’t realize how much he missed his parents until now.

After letting his mom go and giving his dad a short hug that the older man prefered, he turned to Jaebum who stood a polite distance away as Youngjae and his family greeted each other.

“Mom, dad, this is Jaebum. A...friend.” The pause wasn’t noticeable to anyone but Youngjae and maybe Jaebum who raised his eyebrows at him with a smirk before courteously introducing himself to Youngjae’s parents with a beaming grin that was hard to look away from. Jaebum was definitely the type to win over any girl's parents.  

Jaebum’s handshake was sturdy to match his father's and he was bright and polite to his mother, it was obvious that he already had Youngjae’s parents in the palm of his hands and he just didn't know if that was a good thing yet.

As they talked amongst themselves, Youngjae looked at Jaebum as if seeing him for the first time, in a new light.  When he saw him like that, he looked at the length of his wide shoulders and the back of his head, also glancing for a second at the nape of his neck. This was the person he was afraid to befriend, and for what?

Wasn’t it was because Youngjae was afraid? But, he just couldn’t figure out what it was he was afraid of. Jaebum or himself.

Youngjae decided that introducing him as a friend wasn’t a mistake, Jaebum wormed himself into his life with less fight than Youngjae had dignity to admit. He would like to say he tried to keep his distance from his school senior, and he really did, he ran away and avoided him the best he could, but Jaebum just kept popping up again and again, and as much as it was frustrating, Youngjae actually liked not being so alone.

After the reunion and greetings were done, his mother started babbling and bustling about the house.

“Oh my, the house is dirty and now I need to cook dinner. I have no food for dinner! I have to go shopping.” And with a kiss on his cheek and a moment to grab her purse, Youngjae’s mother was out the door like the wind without a word more, leaving his dad chuckling in the hallway.

“Well, I’m sure you want to show your friend around. We’ll talk later.” He said, smiling kindly at him and Jaebum before he went off to the living room to watch baseball on the living room TV that they could hear echoing in the entrance of the house, leaving them alone.

 

Youngjae took Jaebum to the only place he knew he had the energy to go after the long trip; up the stairs and to his bedroom. His room wasn’t anything special, walls painted blue with a telescope in the window and a neatly made bed with a checkered black and red bedspread and too many pillows for one person to need. His room was always a mess of study materials and snack bags when he was younger because he would sit on his computer playing games whenever he didn’t want to work on homework, which was all the time. But now his desk was bare, with nothing but a few books and a photograph of him and Jackson. 

He immediately put the photo face down before Jaebum saw it but he saw the other’s eyes flicker away quickly in his peripheral. He wasn’t good at hiding anything from him it seemed.

Jaebum pulled out his desk chair and sat down carefully as if he was treading on stormy waters and when he looked around the room, Youngjae suddenly got insecure of his childhood out in the open between the four walls. It wasn’t much, but it was a place he spent most of his life in, a place where Jackson would sleep in the same bed as him because the bed was much better than the guest room or the floor and a place where better, but painful memories were made.

Youngjae lay on his bed facing the ceiling and avoiding any gaze that Jaebum might have sent him. “I’m sorry. For my parents, for sticking you in my old family home and not knowing what to do. For the awkward dinner that’s about to happen in a few hours.”

Jaebum just laughed, a cheerful and brightening sound that made the dust on his bookshelves up and crawl away. “They didn’t know we were coming, did they?”

“Not at all.” Youngjae laughed this time and looked at him, his head tilting to the side but his limbs still all spread out. “Don’t you feel awkward?”

“Not really, I mean your parents are kind and friendly. And you called me your friend.” Jaebum smiled directly at him then, somehow creating a piercing feeling in Youngjae’s chest. “I’m peachy.”

The smug way he said it made Youngjae groan and throw a pillow in Jaebum’s direction, which was a failed operation because he just caught it and decided to sit on it.

He was a total loser with Im Jaebum.

Dinner was awkward but not as awkward as Youngjae imagined it to be. His mom went all out with side dishes and too much rice but Jaebum was scarfing it down like it was a light meal and nothing else. Youngjae himself ate more than usual, eating while at college was all just junk foods and high calories but his mom’s meal was warm and hefty and everything good that he had missed since he left after graduation. 

“So.” His father started. “How’s school?”

Youngjae swallowed the mouthful of rice he just put in his mouth and it seemed to get stuck in his throat.

“You haven’t contacted us in a while.” His mother’s tone was on the sad side making him feel guilty. Jaebum was beside him, chewing lightly now with smaller amounts of food in case he had to talk. 

“Sorry mom.” Youngjae said, reaching over to spoon her some of her favorite side dish and putting it on her meal. “School’s been good, my grades are pretty good too. It keeps me distracted and busy.”

The smile his mom gave him was authentic and so good to see after such a long time, she put the food he placed for her into her mouth, swallowing before speaking again. “That’s good to hear honey, just call us more often, okay?”

Youngjae nodded, smiling back and shoveling food into his mouth so no more questions would be asked.

He wished.

“So how did you two meet?” Youngjae looked at his father who was looking between him and Jaebum with gleaming curiosity. It was Jaebum’s turn to speak this time.

“Ah, his roommate is my best friend. We actually worked on a long project together too. Your son is very smart.” The last part probably was just flattery to try and look good, no way Jaebum thought he was smart when the person who did most of the work was Jinyoung, even Jaebum himself picked up Youngjae’s slack on the project, so the latter just followed behind like a lost dog. Music was his prime subject, not psychology, but he went into it anyway, it was a last minute decision because he thought it would be a good decision and he was interested, he just wasn’t ready for the studies it required and the heavy books that were mandatory.

Youngjae’s mom looked almost surprised, and Youngjae himself almost snorted. She knew he wasn’t a good scholar from all his report cards in the past. “Youngjae was never the studying type so I’m glad he’s focusing more. I’m just glad he didn’t switch to a music major yet.”

“Music?” Jaebum asked, looking at Youngjae now.

“I’m minoring in music.” He said matter of factly, looking at his dish and stirring his food. “Vocals and piano.”

“He’s very talented at it.” His mother sounded proud, though he knew a “but” was coming. “But it just isn’t a good career field.”

Youngjae wanted to roll his eyes. He grew up on nineties kpop groups and his mother’s favorite ballad singers. He went to piano classes when he was young so his mom could brag about how talented he was, he had no interest in sports or studies and his mom just wanted something to show all her friends, a shot in their foot that would make them wide eyed and jealous that their kids couldn’t do what he did. He enjoyed it thoroughly, but didn’t continue lessons through high school, spending more time on video games then on his talents which always made his mother fume.

Jaebum hummed with a smile dancing on his lips. “I dance. I kind of understand it, it seems me and you have a lot more in common than we thought.” When he said the last part, Jaebum looked at him and his thigh knocked into Youngjae’s in a mocking manner. Youngjae ended up smiling back, thinking of what Jaebum looked like while dancing and wondered if he was just as happy every time he touched the dance floor as much as Youngjae was whenever he touched the piano.

It got silent for a little bit after that, subtle sounds of swallowing and chopsticks against glassware. It was almost eerie, making Youngjae feel awkward and distant from the people he was eating with, like his parents were trying to be too polite with a visitor and like his son was almost like a stranger, but he let it go. He supposed they thought Youngjae was still hung up on Jackson’s death since he hasn’t seen them since the week of the incident, leaving to his brother’s place in Seoul until university started.

“What do you plan on doing while you’re here?” His father asked then, breaking the silence once his food was all gone and getting up to put all their dishes in the sink.

He didn’t know a good enough lie to tell, he wasn’t there for them, he wasn’t there just for a visit like they thought but he decided not to bring that up, not wanting to feel even more like a piece of shit child. But still, he told the truth.

“Visiting Jackson.”

  
  


Jaebum slept in Youngjae’s bed that night. It took a lot to get him to agree but Youngjae felt better knowing he was being a good host by not letting him sleep on the floor and the guest room was currently his mom’s study now. Youngjae was fine with it though, he made himself a comfy bed on the floor with a multitude of blankets and a few pillows, it was nothing like a mattress but comfortable enough to doze off in for, hopefully, several hours.

He was all cuddled up, the lights already off and far from sleeping when Jaebum spoke up in the darkness, only a tuft of his hair was visible from where Youngjae lay, standing straight up in the dim lit room and it made him laugh silently to himself.

“Do you like anyone?”

It was such a sudden and middle school sleepover type of question, one that that reminded him of movies where girls would gossip about boys with snacks and truth or dare. The last time he heard that question was from Jackson and it was just as blunt but wasn’t asked in the moonlight. He answered just how he did back then.

“No.”

Jaebum let out a humored chuckle. “Really? No one?”

“Nope.”

Jaebum hummed and it made Youngjae curious so he shot the same question back. “What about you?”

He could hear Jaebum catch his breath from where he lay. It was quiet for a moment until he heard Jaebum move around, springs of Youngjae’s old mattress creaking under the weight, snuggling further into the duvet until his head was almost swallowed whole by a swath of blankets.

“Are you being...shy?” Youngjae asked and almost couldn't believe it, teasing him slightly and sitting up watching as Jaebum pulled the blanket up further.

“I’m just cold!” He retorted and it would have been convincing since it was raining again but there was a stutter in Jaebum’s voice that told Youngjae he was lying.

“Who is it?” Youngjae asked, getting up and trying to tug at the tightly wrapped blankets around Jaebum’s body. “Is it someone I know?” And a moment of silence before something came to mind. “Is it Jinyoung!?”

That seemed to get Jaebum out of his cozy bundle and facing him in red faced fury, Youngjae could see his flushed skin even in the dark. “No, it’s not Jinyoung!”

“Okay, okay.” Youngjae put his hands up in surrender before smirking and snuggling back into his own makeshift bed.

“What makes you think I like guys anyway?” This reply made Youngjae’s face burn, in fact he didn’t know why he assumed so either. He sighed. “You just seem similar to me, I guess.” Then Youngjae turned his back to Jaebum and snuggled up into his blankets, emptying his mind before he could regret anything.

Jaebum didn’t answer back.

  
  


It took twenty minutes to get to their destination by foot. It was a sunny and warm day with fluffy clouds in the shapes of animals passing by slowly in the breeze. Youngjae was glad that the weather was good for once. Jackson was the human incarnation of the sunlight, and it was all very fitting while they went to go visit him.

Jackson wasn’t buried in Mokpo though. There was no memorial for him, just the marks he left behind when he was living among them, like his name carved into the tree in front of Youngjae’s house, his picture in the yearbook that was tucked away in Youngjae’s bookshelf untouched and the organic green tea that still sat in their kitchen cupboard.

Jaebum insisted on flowers, saying that if he was visiting the dead he wanted to properly pay his respects. It was ridiculous but also so ridiculously Im Jaebum, so Youngjae let him pick out any flowers he wanted in a small shop they passed on the way. It was a simple bouquet full of flowers like daisies and baby's breath with small purple flowers that he didn’t know the name of. It was plain in the prettiest way, not too fragrant, but it was something he knew Jackson would enjoy, nothing overboard but nothing too little.

It was a gesture that made Youngjae’s heart light.

The bridge was small with wide sidewalks and rare amounts of traffic, nothing like the bridges over the Han River. It was on the outskirts of town with slightly murky water and rocks littering the bottom, some bigger and sticking up out of the stream in ragged edges. A small turtle sat on a flatter rock, the course of the river barely hitting its legs and he tottered off back into the current.

Jaebum was confused at first, looking around when Youngjae stopped and stared at the water until his face cleared with realization and speaking with a low quiet tone.

“He jumped, didn’t he?” It wasn’t a question, more of an observation and Youngjae nodded, arms wrapped around the top of the railing watching the water flow. “Tell me about it.” Jaebum said, asking for all the information that Youngjae wanted to keep hidden, but he let Jaebum in so many times already, he wasn’t considering on staying quiet anymore, the pain hurt too much to shoulder it alone. Plus, he couldn’t just bring Jaebum to Jackson and not explain anything.

The warmth of spring was warming Youngjae’s skin but he still shivered. He was just nervous probably, and when his nerves were high, he would just ramble on when he talked, it was no different this time either.

“The day after my graduation he was supposed to go back home to Hong Kong, he was here for a year longer than he originally planned, but I got a note on my desk the next night. I thought he was on the plane to go home already but I didn’t know. At the time we weren’t on speaking terms so I planned on letting him go home quietly.” His palms were sweaty and sticking to the railing of the bridge so he sat on the sidewalk and let his legs hang off the side. Jaebum sat beside him, the flowers between them, laying in Jaebum’s shadow and out of the heat so they wouldn’t wilt too fast.

“Even without opening the letter I knew something was wrong because he wasn’t supposed to be here and I called his phone but it was off. So I ran around the town until I stopped here, a place where I would take him fishing whenever we didn’t want to go to the ocean, it’s hard to fish there without a boat. Then I saw him, on the opposite side of the railing, hands clutched loosely to it to keep him from falling.” Youngjae wiped his damp hands on his pants and watched the water sparkle in the sunlight, he kept his eye on it as he continued to speak. “I ran and called out to him, I could hear the echo of his name hit off the water but he didn’t seem to hear. Or maybe he didn’t want to hear, I don’t know.”

“I watched him fall, it was almost surreal like time slowed down, and he fell so slowly but I couldn’t watch him hit the water. I closed my eyes so tight and hunched myself into a little ball in the middle of the sidewalk with my hands covering my ears so I couldn’t hear anything. I didn’t want it to be real, I wanted it to be a dream so bad and I sat there for what seemed like so long but probably was only a minute or two before I called for an ambulance.”

“What did they say?” Jaebum asked after a moment of silence, the water babbling acting as background noise.

“Dead on impact.”

“Did you see him...after that?” This was just a way of asking if Youngjae had seen Jackson’s dead body.

He shook his head. “I just pretended like it didn’t happen, I stayed in my bed for a few days not leaving it, not even to eat and I worried the hell out of my parents, but I couldn’t take it anymore so I moved to Seoul to stay with my brother until college.”

“Did it help?” Jaebum asked, placing the flowers on his lap and playing with the petals lightly with his fingertips trying to seem casual.

Youngjae let out a dry chuckle. “Not at all. It haunted me. The only best friend I had in my life was dead and I refused to read his suicide note.” He rested his forehead against the closest bar of the railing and closed his eyes. “I’m terrible, aren’t I?”

“I think you’re human.” Jaebum said shifting to sit a little closer to Youngjae as if it would comfort him a little in a situation where Jaebum felt useless. “I think that we all deal with death in different ways, whether you run away or face it, it doesn’t make the pain any better.”

Youngjae was crying when he faced Jaebum, silent tears streaking his face with salty water and Jaebum immediately put down the flowers and took him in his embrace on instinct only making Youngjae feel worse and crying harder, the material of Jaebum’s black t-shirt getting soaked but neither of them really cared at that moment.

Youngjae had spent so much time worrying over that note thinking he had killed his best friend that he had regular panic attacks, and it became such a normal thing in his life over the past few months he didn’t know what normal felt like until he let it go right then in Jaebum’s arms. And Jaebum didn’t judge him for it, only held him closer and let him cry out the grief he had kept hidden for so long.

It made Youngjae feel light again.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who forgot it was monday. i almost didn't post on time but while writing this.. i have about fourty five minutes left! so just barely! sorry if you guys were looking for this earlier but it's here now!! yay for youngjae FINALLY letting im jaebum in!!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's midnight here! Finally done, but this chapter is sort of a mess.. forgive me.

Youngjae was awake the entire ride back to Seoul. His parents sent them off with homemade food and the smell made him hungry while sitting in the bus seat, Jaebum was knocked out again with his head lolling to the side and headphone’s in, hair messy and slightly curling at the ends from his rushed shower in the morning before almost missing the bus.  

When he looked at Jaebum like this, expression relaxed and cheeks chubby as he rested the side of his face on a hoodie, Youngjae realized how young he looked even though he was older, two years of age difference seeming to not show at all. Jaebum’s normally handsome face was now cute and childlike, there was still a little bit of the man he knew in the person beside him, but Youngjae couldn’t help but stare at his lips and his cheeks. It was kind of alarming.

He spent nearly the whole bus ride listening to music on his phone and looking over at Jaebum from time to time, as if making sure he wouldn’t disappear from his side.

Youngjae also spent a majority of the time thinking about the weekend at his parents’ house. Reflecting on himself and his relationship with Jackson, how he should talk to his parents more and worry them less, and also comforting himself that having Jaebum as a friend wasn’t a crime, that it was okay.

He left his parents’ house with a lighter heart and a bigger smile than what he was used to showing, it was like a major slice of his worries and his fears dissipated into the air with Jaebum’s presence and his comfort, or maybe just knowing that he wasn’t a harm to Youngjae since he’s been nothing but a little bit of a nuisance and a lot of help to his emotions.

Except that he was creating a whole new emotion within Youngjae, one that he hadn’t felt in a long time. One that was affectionate and unyielding, wanting him to be by the other’s side at all time for the comforting presence he brought into Youngjae’s life. He didn’t know what to think of it yet, didn’t know if it was because of all the emotional support he’d been given and he just grew attached, or if he really had a small crush on Im Jaebum.

The thought bothered him all the way home.

  
  


Getting back into a school routine was easier than he thought, maybe it was because his mind was clearer and the envelope he used to carry around was now stored away safely in a box in his desk, no longer carrying it around so it wasn’t haunting him anymore. He was communicating better, Jinyoung slowly becoming someone he was more comfortable around and held more conversations with, even asking him for psychology help now and again ever since their big project was over and done with. 

Jaebum still found any reason to come to their dorm room though, with the excuse that his roommate was too boring and too dirty to be around all the time and he couldn’t stand the mess of his room, unlike the cleanliness of Youngjae and Jinyoung’s - dirty dishes always cleaned up quickly, clothes put in hampers, and there was no college male smell that he imagined most of the other rooms had.

Jaebum also became comfortable enough to sit on either his best friend’s bed, like he always had, or Youngjae’s, which raised some eyebrows with Jinyoung. However, Youngjae decided to ignore it, accepting Jaebum’s presence in his room much more easier than he had used to ever since that night they spent together in his childhood room. He didn’t feel as awkward, the only time he felt slightly uncomfortable was when Jinyoung’s eyes were too heavy on him during the nights when Jaebum and Jinyoung watched movies on netflix or studied together.

Youngjae was also smiling more, laughing more, feeling more happiness than he did in a long time. Whenever Jinyoung cracked a joke or tripped over nothing on their dorm’s floor it drew a chuckle out of him with ease, something that the other thought was odd but nonetheless, a good thing.

He never noticed Jaebum’s eyes on him when he did those things though, he was too caught up avoiding Jinyoung’s annoying stares to see that Jaebum was looking at him whenever he let himself smile or laugh, such simple gestures that seemed to get Jaebum’s attention like he was looking at something rare and precious, but Youngjae was so oblivious even though he was the same way. Whenever he would catch Jaebum’s ugly laughing face Youngjae couldn’t find the strength to ignore it anymore and laughed. He found Jaebum’s smile more contagious than a sickness, not even realizing he was grinning until someone pointed it out. It was just all so new and somewhat exhilarating, but still kind of scary.

Jaebum was so unpredictable and alive, brighter than the sun and untameable, he was a livewire that energized Youngjae and gave him a new look on life.  

Jinyoung seemed to catch on to whatever was going on before they did, though.

One day he spoke up to Youngjae. “You know, you and Jaebum changed a lot since you two went to Mokpo.”

Youngjae didn’t even want to look up from his textbook so he just shrugged and turned the page, highlighting the text he wasn’t even reading.

“What happened?”

Youngjae stilled then and looked up at Jinyoung who was casual and questioning him with a look that said to try and challenge him because he won’t lose. “Nothing.” Youngjae said, avoiding the topic. It’s not like he didn’t trust Jinyoung, okay, he didn’t trust him all that much, still in a bit of an awkward phase with him, but he didn’t want to spill everything out to him either, not when Youngjae himself was still pretty confused about it all.

Jinyoung just hummed and went back to typing on his laptop, Youngjae knew he wasn’t going to give it up that easily though, the other man was too stubborn.

It was brought up again when they ordered take out for the two of them, cheap Chinese food, wooden chopsticks and Coca Cola making Youngjae’s night feel good after a long round of studying.

“You seem to get along with Jaebum a lot better now.” Jinyoung said, shoving food into his mouth and acting too casual.

Youngjae swallowed his drink and spoke up, a bit in retaliation. “I get along better with you too. We’re eating take out together on the floor.”

Jinyoung smiled. “That’s true, I didn’t think of that. But still, there’s something off about you two.”

“Like what, exactly?”

“Like you guys look at each other with bright eyes and Jaebum sits on your bed as if it’s the most normal thing in the world when exactly a week ago he couldn’t even speak to you without something happening.” He stated, eyebrows raised and a smirk on his face.

Youngjae flushed a hot pink and tried to cool himself down with more soda, but it wasn’t working. Why would he be embarrassed about this? He hasn’t noticed anything too different about Jaebum, and while he knows he’s changed since the trip he didn’t know it was that obvious, just more friendly. He was beyond confused. “We don’t look at each other like that.” He said, pushing his box of takeout away from him, suddenly full.

Just like he did last time, realizing the conversation was over, Jinyoung hummed and let it go leaving Youngjae relieved but in a cold sweat.

 

 

Time was slow up until summer break, long essays due and a new project started, no partners this time. Youngjae was his own help with this new assignment which was due after break and for once he wished he had someone to work with. He would still probably ask Jinyoung questions here and there until break started but after that, he was on his own. 

He even had homework for his music classes for once, usually their assignments were to do breathing exercises daily and memorizing the melody and lyrics of songs. However, now Youngjae had to write his own piece. It took him about a week to finally decide what he would write about, the pressure of the assignment getting to him but when he figured it out, it just felt right.

He decided to write about Jackson.

The trauma of his death, how it changed Youngjae, his panic attacks, his inability to smile and his lack of overall feelings that weren’t related to grief and sadness. He poured it all out into the song, lyrics haunting and sad but so, so real.

He hoped that people in class wouldn’t relate the lyrics to him personally when he presented it, just passing it off as an assignment and thinking that nothing about it was related to him as much as that were untrue.

Most people in his class also weren’t composing their songs, just presenting their lyrics and maybe trying to create a melody with it, but since Youngjae knew how to play piano, he created it all. He thought that maybe, just maybe, Jackson could hear it when the final product was finished, show him what happened to him after he died, show him that he was in  _ pain. _

He felt a little resentment for Jackson leaving him behind like that, but he couldn’t get over the fact that he was really gone and felt as if he shouldn’t be feeling so mad at a dead person, especially one who committed suicide. Especially his best friend.

But as much as Youngjae was feeling those emotions, he still loved Jackson and he would never stop. He just hoped that it would show through in his singing.

The night before summer break, Jaebum found him in the choir room, playing the piano to the melody he had written, trying to smooth it out and make it into a song to match his lyrics, but it wasn’t going as he planned, the notes were too high and he was envisioning it to be a deeper and darker song, something a bit haunting that would make people listen.

“Is this homework?” He heard a voice ask behind him, speaking with a low tone that sounded almost like velvet. All that registered in Youngjae’s head was that Jaebum had heard him and he immediately stopped his fingers, hands still hovering over the keys.

“Yeah.” He replied, turning and sitting on the piano bench to face Jaebum. “Songwriting, not going how I want it to though.”

“What’s it about?” Jaebum asked, curiosity slipping into the words as he sat down in the chair that he did last time.

Youngjae let the question sit in the air for a moment before saying, “Jackson.”

“Ah, so it wasn’t about me. I knew the sound of it sounded too sad.” Jaebum teased and Youngjae lit up like a red flashlight in the dim lighting of the room.

“And what made you think it’s about you?” Youngjae spoke a bit awkwardly, trying to defend himself, but being given away by his cheeks, red as a tomato.

Jaebum only shrugged, a small smile appearing on his lips somehow making him look more handsome than usual in the poor lighting of the room. “I don’t know. Just a nice thought.”

“Does it sound good?” Youngjae asked, changing the subject and suddenly becoming shy as he asked, feeling like his tongue was about to stumble over his own words, but the need of another opinion was stronger. “The song.”

Jaebum’s face was calm and composed, yet bright at the same time as he answered honestly. “Beautiful.”

Youngjae smiled, suddenly fumbling with words in his head, not knowing how to take the compliment, but Jaebum soon spoke again, saving him from the trouble and asking another question. “Are you going home for summer break?”

Youngjae nodded. “I thought I should spend more time with my parents since I ignored them for so long. I’m trying to make it up to them.”

“Looks like I’m alone all during break then. Jinyoung is going home too.” He pouted cutely.

_ Cutely. _

Jaebum acted cute  _ on purpose _ , and it set off hundreds of alarms in Youngjae. A thought, very dangerous one, suddenly creeped into his mind. He wanted to go over and pinch Jaebum’s cheeks, or kiss them, and that made him confused, not sure of anything anymore and not trusting his wild emotions. His mind was wandering in places it shouldn’t, but Jaebum composed himself well and quick after the sudden act, and Youngjae couldn’t be more thankful for it.

He took in a deep breath before gathering his song sheets in a manner that hopefully didn’t seem too rushed and stood up. “It’s getting late, I’m leaving early in the morning tomorrow, so I should sleep soon.” And he was off, running away from Im Jaebum once again. 

 

 

“You’re not talking to Jaebum before you leave?” Jinyoung asked him, as he was getting dressed and trying to smooth out the kinks in his hair from it drying weirdly. It was eight in the morning and for some reason Jinyoung was relaxed on his bed with a book while Youngjae was all packed up to leave for his parents’ house, yet another bus ride, far too long for him to enjoy, especially without someone he knew sitting beside him this time. 

“Why would I?”

“Because you like him.”

Youngjae stopped patting his hair down and finally put on a hat before looking at Jinyoung who was looking at his book without reading it. “I don’t like him.”

“You like him.” Jinyoung said, a smug look on his face, putting his book down. “And you should tell him that.”

There was no use in fighting it when Jinyoung knew everything, including Youngjae’s feelings, better than he knew them himself. “I’m not used to it.” He confessed with pink cheeks. “Everything is too new and I don’t want to ruin a friendship I just started just because I have the feelings of a middle school boy.”

Jinyoung got up and put his hands on Youngjae’s shoulders like he was trying to be a supportive parent giving him a pep talk. “Trust me when I say you have nothing to worry about. I know Jaebum better than anyone.” And with a pat on the shoulder, Jinyoung went to shower leaving Youngjae confused.

  
  


In the end, Youngjae didn’t speak to Jaebum. He had tried to look for him but he wasn’t at his dorm and his phone was turned off, leaving Youngjae with too little time to search for him anymore. Maybe it was better that way, he could take the bus ride as a source of time to come to the fact that he in fact  _ did _ have feelings for Jaebum, ones that were coming on too sudden and without warning. He needed a moment to take it all in.

He felt kind of numb, not registering anything he was feeling, not feeling anything over the fact that his name was wrong on his coffee order or that they forgot to make his Americano iced and not hot. His mind kept showing him a picture of Jaebum’s face, for what reason he didn’t know. To make him feel guilty for not saying goodbye perhaps, or to just prove that he in fact really did like him, but he wanted to wipe it away, though he knew that his feelings were only going to grow if this was happening now.

He traveled to the bus stop with his eyes on the ground and one shoulder of his backpack on, feeling lazy and ready to sleep this trip away until he could see his hometown in view. But everything flew out the window when he climbed aboard the bus and a familiar face was staring right at him, stark black hair standing out against the ugly green of the seats and the familiar feline eyes he knew too well by now.

Youngjae stopped a seat in front of Jaebum and just stared at him with a confused expression and wide eyes, not caring if he was blocking people from getting into seats, he was just trying to become accustomed to the scene in front of him. His heart was beating too fast in his chest and his hands became sweaty, and it wasn’t until Jaebum physically grabbed his arm and moved him out of people’s way to usher him into the aisle seat that he regained his focus.

“Why-” He started and Jaebum smiled then, making Youngjae lose his train of thought cutting off his own sentence.

“Do you mind if I tag along?” Youngjae fought the urge to blush as Jaebum’s words were incredible smooth as if rehearsed; and he thought he’s been blushing way too much these days.

“What would you do if I said no?” Youngjae asked, a weird smirk, so foreign to him, making a way to his lips and playing with the guy in front of him.

Jaebum frowned. “I don’t know, I’d probably have to go back to university as a sore loser.”

“Then I guess you’re lucky, I don’t really want to go alone. Your snores became a bit too familiar.” Only then Youngjae realized that he still hadn’t ask  _ why _ Jaebum was there in the first place. “What are you doing here?”

“I just… Didn’t want to be alone?” Jaebum said, but his words were strange, delivered in a tone that made Youngjae question his real intentions.

“Why does this sound like a question?”

“Youngjae.”

“What?”

A stretch of silence passed by, as Youngjae started to get settled in his seat, his belongings at his feet and Jaebum staring at him quietly until he was comfortable. “Remember our talk that night at your house?” 

Youngjae stared at the back of the seat in front of him, suddenly feeling awkward with the turn of conversation, not wanting to remember that night with his sudden, kind of confession about his sexual orientation, and Jaebum asking who he liked, which at that time, wasn’t Jaebum at all. He swallowed, feeling a thick lump in his throat. “Yeah.”

“It’s you.” He said, facing Youngjae with a look that he hadn’t seen face forward before, but it was also a look that Jaebum tended to throw at Youngjae a lot when he wasn’t looking. Eyes soft and full of affection, making Youngjae’s stomach bubble with a foreign feeling. “You’re the one I like.”

For several moments, what Jaebum said didn’t register in his mind correctly, Youngjae thought ‘what was he saying’ until he remembered the question he asked Jaebum that night in the darkness of his room, the one he shot back because he had nothing else to say.

Was that why Jaebum hid in the blankets like that, why his face seemed red and he had refused to say a thing? Because he liked Youngjae?

And then the words hit him like a train and the tip of his ears started turning red, the heat reaching his face soon enough and his heart going a million miles per hour in his chest. He was pretty sure Jaebum could hear his heartbeat and it felt pretty embarrassing. He hid his face in his hands, all composure gone.

“Youngjae? Are you okay?” Jaebum asked, voice suddenly on the verge of frantic and his hands trying to pry Youngjae’s away from his face gently until he gave up and decided to rest a hand on his shoulder.

“I like you too.” Youngjae said behind his hands, making the words sound muffled but it was still no doubt a confession.

Youngjae couldn’t see it, but he could feel it, the warmth of Jaebum’s smile and the sudden bright energy the floated around him showing him that Jaebum was pleased with his reply. Jaebum’s hands were on his again, tugging them away from his face and this time he didn’t put up a fight, letting Jaebum tear down his makeshift wall so they could face each other.

Jaebum was the most beautiful in that moment, Youngjae had thought. Bright eyes and a teeth showing smile making his eyes form into the cutest little crescents and Youngjae knew he was doomed. Not only did he like Jaebum and also confessed it, but he was pretty sure he was falling into the red zone of a four letter word he didn’t want to acknowledge and it was all too quick.

Jaebum with his leather jackets and black band t-shirts, his piercings and his shiny black hair that was currently fanned perfectly over his forehead and almost into his eyes. Those twin moles above his eye that Youngjae ended up looking at as if it was second nature. He was too handsome and too much a person that Youngjae would have never thought he would like, but it wasn’t his outward appearance that dragged him in.

Im Jaebum, was in fact, a soft hearted fool, who fell into the hands of Youngjae somehow, and Youngjae ended up finding himself in Jaebum’s palms, wrapped around his fingers and weak to everything he did, every defense tactic he tried always immediately useless, whether it was from Jaebum prying his way into his mind again or something as simple as a smile, the ones that were warm like a late spring day, the kind that could make flowers bloom.

And he didn’t hate it. In fact, he was getting more and more comfortable with the ways Jaebum faced him, getting used to his normal self as well as the wild side he saw mostly when they were with Jinyoung. It made Youngjae hope that they could get comfortable enough so that Jaebum could show that side of himself to Youngjae and Youngjae alone.

Jaebum’s hand was on his cheek then, a side of skinship they had never explored before but he looked straight at Jaebum, not knowing what to expect. The weight of his hand comfortable on the side of his face, warm and soothing, Jaebum’s thumb stroked the plushest part of his cheek gently and Youngjae couldn’t look away from his eyes, he was drowning but somehow he felt safe, like he was in was some kind of stream, water gentle and warm on his skin.

He felt Jaebum press closer, their bodies shifted awkwardly in bus seats and he realized that people were sitting all around them, but as he felt the kiss on his forehead, he couldn’t give himself a reason to care, a short press of soft lips against his skin making him feel safer than anything else in the world could.

When Jaebum pulled away, he didn’t move far, their legs touching and faces still close to each other and he didn’t realize how flawless Jaebum’s skin was until then. He felt almost jealous.

“What do we do now?” Jaebum asked, voice barely above a whisper.

“About us?” Youngjae asked sounding far away and distracted, eyes looking at every part of Jaebum he could in this position.

“About us.” Jaebum confirmed.

Youngjae came back to earth pulling back a little and feeling their safety bubble pop, suddenly remembering that people could see them but he ignored it, fingers twirling with a stray string on his sweater. “I’m not used to this, it’s fast and…” His words died, not knowing how to say how he was feeling.

“Do you want to be with me?” Jaebum asked, hopeful but not pressuring, Youngjae knew he could say no and go back to trying to ignore his feelings in hopes to get rid of them but instead he nodded. “Then we’ll take it slow.”

Jaebum took his hand in his own, fingers entangling on their own and it felt natural. It was a simple gesture that took Youngjae to the moon and he relaxed back in his seat again, feeling wide awake from the turn of events and not wanting to sleep at all. He knew Jaebum would doze off sometime, so he kept their hands together until then.

Youngjae took out his phone, raising a curious eyebrow from Jaebum. “If I come home with you again and my parents don’t know, I’ll be in trouble.” He explained with a laugh, typing a one handed, short text to his mother to let her know.

He got a text back shortly after with a pleased reply and how she was going out to get food for dinner that night and Youngjae smiled. He knew that his parent’s fell for Jaebum’s charms when they met, and now he couldn’t be happier about it, especially if Jaebum was becoming such an important person in his life.

It began to storm as the bus drove along busy streets, and with rain usually came a heavy atmosphere, but for Youngjae, everything felt oddly light as he held Jaebum’s hand, who was now on the edge of sleep, just as he expected.

He was beginning to feel a happiness that was long forgotten and he hoped that sooner or later he could get back to the person he was before Jackson's death.

With Jaebum, and even Jinyoung by his side, he knew it was possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my friends this fic is DONE!! I feel relieved and also kind of sad. I wrote this whole fic in like, a week and a half, so the pacing feels a little off to me as much as I tried to smooth it out with editing but, I couldn't help but post it anyway?? I hope I haven't disappointed you all with this kind of ending!! I also have no ideas for anymore 2jae fics so give me time or maybe give me some suggestions!! It's always appreciated!
> 
> Also!! Can any of you guess which song Youngjae was composing? :')
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading, for the kudos and the comments, and for all the support. IT MEANS THE WORLD!! You guys are the reason why I continue to write and want to improve myself. I love you!!!


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